Does Guilt Have a Message for You?
Do you live in a perpetual state of guilt? Are you someone who, no matter how many right things you do today, there will always be that one other item that got away from you - and so you feel guilty that you didn’t accomplish all you set out to?
Sometimes we’ll spend a full seven or eight hours chipping away at the work on our to-do list. But then, instead of reveling in a well deserved break, in our minds we’re already barreling ahead to the next item on the agenda. Where we should be congratulating ourselves and taking a rest, we engage in a merciless self-blaming session.
“Sure, I made some great headway at the office… but now I’m exhausted and have nothing left for the kids.”
“I could really use a nap after the day I’ve had. But I told (insert name of your partner) we’d stay up and watch a movie together…” (and then while you’re trying to keep your eyes open during the movie, your mind flashes to that credit card payment that you forgot to pay… and another round of self-admonishments).
Let’s say you agreed to host a Boy Scouts gathering at your home, or maybe you’ve offered to bring cupcakes to the bake sale at school tomorrow. Do you ever find yourself just wishing it over and done with… hurrying through the motions, feeling resentful of the time lost… and then alternating that with a full-blown episode of guilt and self-blame?
Maybe you wonder, why can’t I just slow down and be mindful of this experience and the pleasure it brings? Spending a half an hour cooking something delicious should be an enjoyable variation on your day… not a nuisance or a burden. Giving of your time to make a difference in your child’s life should leave you with a happy and peaceful feeling. We know this, and it makes us feel badly when we feel less than enthused for the obligation at hand.
Do you feel guilty that you’re often grouchy and irritable, when you should be delighting in the small but meaningful activities that add spice and variety to your routine?
In these types of situations, guilt may have a message for you. You may think that the message is “Do more, be more.” But the real message behind the guilty feelings is “Slow down. You’re trying to accomplish much more than is humanly possible.”
Lots of people can’t understand why they live to the best of their ability and yet it’s still not enough. Their conscience tugs on them to sustain the effort and push into overdrive.
Are you plagued with ’shoulds’ in your mind? “Work a full, 8 or even 10 hour day. Eat right. Don’t forget to exercise so you can stay healthy and fit. Have dinner with your family. Get involved and be present for the milestones in your child’s life. Be a good neighbor.”
Today’s unrealistic standards demand that we keep on going when there’s no strength left in us and no hours remaining in our day. And with that kind of pressure comes the inevitable pangs of guilt - gnawing away at you for all the loose ends left dangling in your whirlwind lifestyle.
Even if you were to accomplish whatever, in your estimation, is a reasonable daily load… you’d still end up disappointed with yourself. The reason is that the expectation bar has been set way too high. In this day and age, it’s about quantity, when it needs to be about quality.
That’s why if you were to fold and iron the laundry, write up the report that’s due tomorrow at work, take Barkley out for his morning run, prepare a 4-course meal, drive the kids all over town for their various appointments, pay your phone bill and call your mother today… the guilt would still be nagging at you.
And the feeling is there because although your day is brimming with activity… you can’t possibly be giving each item the time, attention and care it needs to be really enjoyable and fulfilling while giving it your very best.
If you, like many of us, want to silent the guilt-inducing voices in your head, then here’s what you have to do. Hear the guilt for what it’s really saying. Stop trying to cram so much in your days. Recognize that it’s not about being a super-human - it’s about being present, mindful and fully aware during every experience.
Realize that the things worth doing are worth doing well… and everything else is gravy. What ways can you alter your schedule to make room for more substance and less fluff?
Thanks to Colloquium for including this article in the Carnival of Family Life.
I read a great book on prioritizing life and focussing on what’s important - First Things First from Stephen Covey.
Guilt happens when you make decisions that are against your values, and/or if you have a faulty self-esteem.
A lot of times it’s both.
Yes, I agree, it has a message for you. It’s a desperate cry of problems to come and heal them.
ari
You’re absolutely right: we are doing too much. I’ve finally got my schedule under control (more or less!) when I finally learned to say ‘no.’ I found I was doing things that I really didn’t enjoy and taking time away from things in my life that made me happy and satisfied. I realize now that a lot of what I was doing, I didn’t have to. Now I’m creating balance and doing more of what I want and less of what I don’t.
I think you’ve got a great point that guilt doesn’t always mean that we’re not doing enough.
Sometimes it’s from doing too much, not enough, or simply disappointing someone you love by doing what’s right for you. It’s definitely worth thinking about instead of jumping to conclusions.
Good advice here. People are so busy thinking about what they should have done in the past, or should do in the future that they never enjoy or fully engage with the present. Meditation or just some quiet reflective time to sort through the guilt feelings and address them, instead if being continuously and mindlessly busy are what is needed.
A timely article David.
In my opinion guilt is born out of leaving or not attending to our business until it’s completed. This happens for a variety of reasons, maybe our current business is boring or seemingly unsatisfying in whatever way and we start thinking let’s get some excitement going here and start pursuing something more interesting etc. If we can slow down enough to realize this before it’s too late, we can go back and finish it. If we don’t we may find ourselves ending up somewhere other than where we are meant to be. These days I believe that the only thing that is ever really important is what we are doing right now, then of course there can be no guilt. I read a quote a while ago, I can’t remember who said it “If you start you better finish, if you don’t want to finish it you better not start”.
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I experienced this very thing over the weekend. I had been indirectly invited to a child’s birthday party/barbecue. It was someone who I’ve been meaning to get back in touch with, and who I’d like to keep in my life… but time just keeps slipping away. I felt guilty saying no, and I still feel guilty… even though I’m sure everyone else will be forgiving.
After that I felt guilty that I should have started my work on Sunday, but instead I went and enjoyed some fireworks.
I just couldn’t fit it all in!
Oh well, next time.
Dina,
Understood. Thanks for sharing. Regrets get the best of us more often than those things we do and fail at.
David
Thanks David. There are times that I have those guilt feelings and I feel very bad,because I feel that I let someone down. My daughter has told me the same thing that you are saying. Dad you can’t do everything in a day. I try to slow down but I find myself right back going at 100 mph. I wake up in the mornings thinking about what I have to do. I am going to start me a journal and see if that will help me to slow down. Keep up the good work.
Eugene
I use the pen and paper logic. thats helping me a lot. For me its difficult to live with guilt and this is one of many ways that I choose.