Haunted by the Ghosts of Childhood
By David B. Bohl | August 16, 2008 | 5 Responses
It is nice to assume everyone had a happy childhood filled with joy and laughter. Nurturing parents doted over every little accomplishment, offering words of praise and encouragement.
In a perfect world this is exactly how things would be. Unfortunately our world is far from perfect as are the people in it. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, our proud moments and the ones we are ashamed of.
When you really consider how childhood unfolds, even under the best of circumstances, it is amazing we emerge from it as productive adults at all. Too much doting and we are incapable of coping with adversity. Too much abuse and we learn to be guarded and distrustful. How do parents find the happy medium that teaches us resolve and determination balanced with love and compassion? And how do we manage to function in a world where just growing up can be far more challenging that it would initially seem?
1. Revisit Your Inner Child
Take a step back in time and remember yourself as a child. If you wish, paint, color, draw, or make a collage from photographs that represents you when you were young. Take note of the feelings it evokes – both good and bad. Remember back to the things that gave you happiness, such as hobbies, games, sports, and such.
Compare your life now. Look for any remnants of the child you used to be. Can you find any similarities between your present-day self and your childhood image? What has changed since then?
Now ask yourself what you would most desire if you were a child again. Is this something you can give yourself as an adult? If so, what is stopping you? Allow yourself to have that one special gift if it is something you can attain.
2. Write Your Childhood Story
Give each year or each major life experience a separate page. Write a brief summary of each, and give each page its own title. What themes do you find running throughout your story? Pay attention to the feelings it evokes in you – sadness, yearning, joy, anger, sorrow, fear, elation.
Look at the interactions you had with the adults in your life, such as teachers, parents of friends, and so on. Review how you were treated by these people, and how they made you feel. Were they supportive and kind? Or were they judgmental and full of criticism? Your experiences as a child have a profound effect on your confidence as an adult, and if you found yourself constantly belittled or criticized early in life, you very well may have confidence issues as an adult.
3. Don’t Become a Demon to Your own Children
Once you have realized how profoundly your interactions with adults have affected you in life, do not become a burden to your own kids. Look at the way you were treated by adults when you were little, and take a moment to remember how it made you feel. Remember those behaviors that robbed you of your confidence and self-worth, then make a promise to yourself that you will not behave in such a manner towards your own children.
Even though you may not realize it at the time, the experiences of your childhood can come back and haunt you throughout adulthood. There are some who spend their entire lives trying to earn the approval of someone who belittled them in the past. That approval may be sought from a spouse, a boss, a colleague, or someone else who holds a position of importance in your life. The craving for acceptance is a subconscious effort to finally win the praise of someone you admired as a child, but were either ignored or treated badly by.
You can overcome your childhood demons by recognizing them when they appear, and knowing how and when they were created. Acknowledge their existence, but follow that up immediately with a mental list of all of your accomplishments, and all of the reasons you are a capable and worthy adult. Exorcise those demons on the spot so they do not rob you of your happiness or enjoyment in life. Slay them so they do not interfere with your adult relationships. Yet remember them to the extent that they prevent you from creating the same cycle with your own children.
Copyright 2008 David Bohl and SlowDownFast.com. All rights reserved.
About the Author:
Husband, father, friend, Life Coach and Lifestyle Designer David B. Bohl is the creator of Slow Down FAST at www.slowdownfast.com.
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Categories: Personal Development, Life Strategies, Knowing Yourself, Self Improvement, Life Coach, Life Coaching, Attitude, Slow Down Fast, Happiness, Fear, Mothers, Fathers, Families, Relationships, Values, Family, Change, Children
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5 Responses to “Haunted by the Ghosts of Childhood”
Comments
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August 21st, 2008 at 11:51 am
Hi David,
I was actually thinking about my early childhood recently. I have the gift of being to remember back to an age that very few people can recall (although I can’t remember what happened yesterday - go figure!!). I think my memories may go back to as young as age 2.
What stands out most in my mind, about that time, is that everyone from the world of parents and teachers and adults absolutely doted on me. I was a bright little girl, but I have these distinct memories of people praising me wildly for every little thing I did.
I remember people stopping my mother on the streets of Brooklyn to tell her how beautiful I was. I couldn’t have been more than 2 or 3. I remember my grandmas and aunts and uncles laughing uproariously at a joke I told around the holiday table.
I remember doing “animal sounds,” and everyone whooping and showering me with praise when I got them all right. And reading Little Golden Books and being told how smart I was, and my parents bragging to their friends about how I was reading words and reciting books from memory at such a young age.
I think that being an adored little girl vastly affected my self esteem, at least in terms of school, and being successful. I almost always felt that I could do it if I tried hard enough.
I also remember the first time something was NOT effortless. It was walking!! I remember (truly, I do) being little, and my dad trying to show me how NOT to walk on my toes! We would stand together and take slow steps, putting our heels to the floor. I remember being afraid of the staircase, and scooting down on my bottom. I remember being afraid of the potty, too!
I was never very coordinated, or athletic, even though my dad would have loved it if I was, and he tried to develop that in me. He showed me how to throw the wiffle ball, and we had batting practice (I was NOT good!). He signed me up for foot races, thinking I’d do better in that area.
I don’t feel that my parents put me down for the things that I did NOT do well… but my memories of being clumsy and uncoordinated definitely stand out in my mind as well. Being gawky on the field. Dreading when the kickball would come flying through the air in my direction - what if I drop it!? Being picked last for teams in gym.
I think that parents today need to make extra effort to work on their children’s self esteem, and teach them about how to be a good person, and address those areas where they may need a little more practice and guidance.
It’s easy to get caught up in this busy world, and tune people out - especially kids. Sit on your computer, or put the little ones in front of the television. Parents need to watch out for this.
Do many children of today have people stopping them on the street at age 2, to tell them how beautiful they are? I hope so.
I remember so much from my childhood - especially the early, formative years! Maybe not every kid can recall what I do - but I believe it does stick with you, somewhere deep in your psyche.
Just being reflective here on your blog, David. Hope you don’t mind!
August 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Dina,
Wow! You do have quite a memory! Thanks for sharing.
I absolutely agree your points. One of the greatest gifts we can give to someone, especially in our increasingly busy world, is our ATTENTION. As humans, we have basic needs for people to pay attention to us and take us seriously. Without that, we develop deficiencies.
I’m a living example of having self-esteem issues. I cannot blame anyone, yet I grew up with a lack of self-confidence that was fueled in my early adult years. No matter how much I achieved and how successful I was, my perception was that I didn’t amount to much and that I could always do more.
Thankfully, I’ve overcome that, and many others can, too.
David
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
Well, at least you recognized that you wanted to change. Working and striving your way out of a poor self image is certainly admirable, and not uncommon. In, fact, I think most of the adult world is still striving for that attention and respect they craved as little children.
It’s really a shame when you meet people who have such a poor self image that they can’t even imagine how they’d go about rising up from an adverse situation.
Life is a growth process, and I believe we the opportunity to better our lot is always available to us.
Thanks for the great thoughts and talk!
Dina
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Dina,
Hear, hear! Life certainly is about learning and growing. And it is a process. For me, it means that I’ll never ‘arrive’ nor will I ever be ‘finished’.
David
September 29th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
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