What To Do When Your Life is Falling Apart

sadness.jpgYour marriage is on the rocks. You lost your job. Your best friend isn’t talking to you.

You hurt your back. You are one month away from foreclosure on your home. Your child is sick. Your father died.

Any one of these experiences is traumatic. More than one occurring at the same time could put you into a tailspin. It is really important that you can look deep into yourself and see that some of these things are beyond your control — while others are completely in your power to fix.

Grieving the Unavoidable

Some things, like the death of a friend or family member, are just completely out of your hands. In this instance, it is simply your job to grieve. Too many times I have seen people stoic at the funeral of a parent. They seem to go on with their lives and are praised for being “so strong,” yet they let it eat away at them and feel absolutely miserable on the inside, for years. Even the loss of a job, or the collapse of a relationship, may require a period of grieving in order to understand, and grow from, the emotions that come from such a parting. Any time you experience suffering and loss, you should give your soul the time it needs to mourn, purge, cleanse, and heal.

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Are You Too Comfortable in Your Discomfort Zone?

We all live in a framework of ideas, beliefs, and actions known as our comfort zone. It’s what we know and what we’ve always done. But when we get to a point of discomfort either because we’re bored, unhappy, or just ready to spread our wings and move to the next level, our comfort zone becomes our discomfort zone. And if we don’t do anything to move beyond our self-imposed barriers, we become too comfortable in our discomfort zone. At this point it’s no longer a comfort zone, but more of a familiar zone.

istock_000005542012xsmall.jpgAs human beings if we’re not growing, we’re stagnant. And if we want to grow, our comfort zone will hold us back. So we’re always needing to stretch the limits further and further out. There’s no growth if we stay inside our comfort zone. When you stay where you are, we call that being stuck. Maybe you’re unconsciously stuck, that is, you don’t realize you’re unhappy, because you’re numb and have become complacent staying where you are. Maybe you’re consciously stuck because you don’t know what to do to move beyond your comfort zone. You’ve tried different strategies but nothing seems to move you to the next level.

Now here’s the paradox. (more…)

What Are You Motivated By: Pain or Pleasure?

istock_000006141383xsmall.jpgPeople are motivated by pain than pleasure. In other words, they are more determined to move away from their pain, than they are to move toward pleasure.

Think about that for yourself. What motivates you? Do you have to get really unhappy with the way your life is in order for you to make changes? Do you have to be really angry at someone before you tell them how you feel? Do you have to have serious bodily pain before you go to the doctor or massage therapist?

Or are you more motivated to move toward pleasure? Do you go to the dentist twice a year to practice preventive maintenance on your teeth? Do you take your car in for service every 10,000 miles to keep it humming smoothly? Do you offer gratitude every day to count your blessings and attract more good into your life?

Organizational consultant and seminar leader Robert Fritz’s studies have shown that although we might use scare tactics to make short term changes or reach short term goals, we must move toward something positive to make lasting change or reach bigger goals. The goal, the desire, or whatever the positive motivation is will more likely draw ir to you because of the law of attraction.

As we know, what we focus on is what we create. When we’re moving away from pain, we’re focused on the pain, and often we create more pain. Say you have a toothache. You can go to the dentist and expect the worst and you might get some bad news. But if you’ve been taking care of your teeth and you go to the dentist with a toothache, imagining it’s just a minor issue, you will most likely have good news.

What would you rather focus on anyway–what you want to avoid or what you want to create? (more…)

The Hardest Part of Getting Things Done

istock_000006114834xsmall.jpgHave you ever noticed that the hardest part of getting things done is starting them in the first place?

It’s true. We’ve all felt the dread of that looming project, where, say, you’ve got to kick things off with a phone call but you just can’t get to dialing. Or how about when the house is a disaster and the kids (dogs?) need a bath. But instead of tackling those chores, you do something like drift away to visit a website that you just know is going to teach you how to manage your life more efficiently.

Sure, any attempt at self-improvement (even the ones that grow out of a need to procrastinate) is a step in the right direction. But if we’re learning and prepping 80% of the time, yet acting only 20% of the time… then we’re really just procrastinating the procrastination. It’s time to nip this problem in the bud. Ditch those beliefs and behaviors that just aren’t serving you anymore, and trade them for ones that bring you closer to your goals (and relief!).

Here are some tips on how you can become an eternal spring of self-motivation… without reading every self-help book in creation or resorting to having a personal trainer following you around supervising your every move! (more…)

The Only Moment is Now:

Where Are You Living?

If you are a follower of Oprah Winfrey or Eckhart Tolle you must have heard about the worldwide phenomenon of their joint webinar series based on his book A New Earth. Millions of people around the globe have tuned in to watch this modern day mystic deliver his simple message–there is no time but the present. If you are remembering the past, you are thinking about it in the present. If you are projecting into the future, you are doing it in the present. So any time you are in past or future thoughts, you’re really here right now.

istock_000005891943xsmall.jpgWhat that means is that if you stay conscious and remember you are in the present time, you have the choice as to how you want your present moment to be. So if the past was painful and you are feeling some of that pain now, you can make a conscious choice to live pain free now. Or if you are worrying about some possibility of doom in the future, you can make a conscious choice to be worry-free now, because the future is only a thought right now. Time spent worrying is wasted time anyway, because no one can accurately predict the future. And when you worry, you are setting negative goals. If you catch yourself, you can turn your worry around and start setting positive goals.

Of course, you may be remembering great experiences of the past and those can enrich your life. You just don’t want to live in the past because you’re not happy with your present life. And if you’re dreaming of exciting events to come in the future, it’s great to have something to look forward to. You just don’t want to live for the future, especially since there’s no guarantee of what will come, because you’re unhappy with your current life situation.

If you let your mind drift to the past and the future, you’re not living in the present. You are missing out on living fully in the present moments that can never be re-captured. You miss out on the beauty all around you. You are not focused on the activity you are engaged in. You’re not tuned in to the person talking to you. You are not making the most of the gifts of life.

If you find you are living less in the present than you would like, here are some things you can do: (more…)

Children and Independence –

How Much is Too Much?

On April 4th, 2008, Lenore Skenazy shocked readers of the New York Sun with her editorial, “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone.” (http://www.nysun.com/editorials/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone) In it, she describes how, after many months of pleading on the part of her son Izzy, she left him at Bloomingdales with a subway card and map, and $20 and let him make his way home. Alone. Which he did, beaming ear to ear with newfound confidence.

istock_000006267262xsmall.jpgWhat was the point of this endeavor? According to Skenazy, it was to strike back against a concept of parenting and childhood that increasingly resembles a prison lockdown. “We become so bent out of shape over something as simple as letting your children out of sight on the playground that it starts seeming on par with letting them play on the railroad tracks at night. In the rain. In dark non-reflective coats…As if keeping kids under lock and key and helmet and cell phone and nanny and surveillance is the right way to rear kids. It’s not. It’s debilitating — for us and for them.”

The public’s reaction was as swift and as strongly felt as it was divided. (more…)

Beating The Culture of Fear

istock_000004523720xsmall.jpgYou hear it on the news every day, the list of things you’re supposed to be afraid of today (and just how afraid you should be). Whether it’s killer cholesterol in your food, hidden terrorist cells or menacing muggers on the street, it seems that you can hardly draw a breath these days without the risk of inhaling a fatal dose of fear.

But is there, really, all that much to be afraid of? Let’s take a look:

Well, for starters, you’re almost seven times more likely to die in a car accident than to face any violent assault. And yet I’d be willing to be that most of you feel far more at risk crossing a parking lot at night than climbing into your car in the bright light of morning. (http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm) And as far as terrorists go, you’re more likely to be crushed by a vending machine than die in a terrorist attack. (http://www.mattbarr.com/archives/2006/09/your_chance_of.html) Remember that the next time you start to get irate about those potato chips that won’t drop down.

So why are we so afraid of these things? It’s a combination of intentional information manipulation and poor risk assessment skills.

Let’s consider these things separately. (more…)

Haunted by the Ghosts of Childhood

istock_000005764767xsmall.jpgIt is nice to assume everyone had a happy childhood filled with joy and laughter. Nurturing parents doted over every little accomplishment, offering words of praise and encouragement.

In a perfect world this is exactly how things would be. Unfortunately our world is far from perfect as are the people in it. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, our proud moments and the ones we are ashamed of.

When you really consider how childhood unfolds, even under the best of circumstances, it is amazing we emerge from it as productive adults at all. Too much doting and we are incapable of coping with adversity. Too much abuse and we learn to be guarded and distrustful. How do parents find the happy medium that teaches us resolve and determination balanced with love and compassion? And how do we manage to function in a world where just growing up can be far more challenging that it would initially seem?

1. Revisit Your Inner Child (more…)

The Art of Letting Go

How many times have you heard one person speaking about another, only to say, “She (or he) has baggage.” Things happen to us in our lives that we tend to carry around with us. Sometimes we carry the experience for years, sometimes for a lifetime.

Experiences are good things. They are what shape our personalities and ultimately determine who we are. Our experiences make us unique. They give us something to share with others. They shape our perspectives, and when we are really lucky, allow us the insight to change our perspectives.

istock_000006328139xsmall.jpgThe trouble with some experiences, though, is that they can get in the way. They can cause interference in our lives that prevents us from achieving happiness. They keep us from reaching our goals. Those experiences that should free us, instead act as bonds, preventing us from achieving personal growth.

As we make our way through this mad adventure we call life, we must learn to take our experiences as they come to us, learn from them, then move on. This is not to say you cast them aside on the pathway of life, but rather you tuck them in and put them to bed. They are still with you, but they are quiet. (more…)

Brett Favre and Retirement

Thanks to Jenny Marland of WBAY in Green Bay for asking my opinions about Why Favre Can’t Retire.